Everly is two weeks old today! Which means that her and I have both been living in the NICU now for two weeks...and what a change of perception it has been for me staying here and caring for my daughter, a NICU preemie baby. Just three weeks ago, I was interning with the Child Life staff and I was handing out massage coupons and Chili's giftcards to families and kids. Just six weeks ago, I was helping lead Parent Support group in the NICU and I was talking to mom's about their experiences at the hospital and what we could do/not do differently to help them out. And now, here I am. I'm getting massage coupons almost daily and we have received a few Chili's gift certificates so Jordan and I can enjoy a nice meal together. And I have attended a NICU Parent Support group where I decorated some onesies with my mom along with other NICU mom's and I got to hear their stories. One mom had her baby at 25 weeks while another mom had her baby at 29 weeks. And here I have been scared day in and praying every minute for Everly to get stronger when I know we will get to bring her home in a matter of days. These moms I met are praying for survival for their babies. They didn't get to hold their babies until they were 3-5 weeks old and I got to hold Everly before she was even 3 minutes old. They don't get to breastfeed their babies because they're too fragile and weak to even attempt that. I got to breastfeed Everly within a few hours after she was born... I never thought my birth plan and path with cross over with the NICU. I never could have imagined meeting the moms and nurses I have met through Everly's stay here. And I never realized how thankful it would make me feel because I know we are some of the lucky ones here. We are pretty dang lucky.
The past two weeks have been nothing short of emotional and this is easily the biggest rollercoaster of emotions that I have ever been on. I have only left the hospital a total of five times since Everly was born and a lot of that was out of fear and guilt. What if something happened when I left and I wasn't there to comfort her? What if I could have prevented something from happening if I stayed? What if the nurses are busy and can't hold her and soothe her with soft words and kisses? Some days, I don't even like to leave her room just to go to the cafeteria to get some food... The nurses here are incredible and the doctors are very patient with me. They always take the time to explain everything, answer any of my questions, and help comfort me when they can see the fear in my eyes and tears balancing on my eyelids. I have to trust the care of my daughter and what's best for her to them. And that is pretty hard to do. Actually, sometimes, it's nearly impossible because all I want to do is bring her home. And some of the nurses have gotten too comfortable with the fact that I am here ALL the time. The nurses all work 12-hour shifts from 7am-7pm and then a new one comes in for the 7pm-7am shift. A few times, it will be 11:30am and I still haven't seen our day nurse yet one single time...I can't help but wonder what she has been doing for the past 4 1/2 hours besides checking in on my baby just once?! What if I hadn't been in the room when they thought I was? I do nearly 100% of Everly's cares which I'm thankful I get to do. I know not every NICU parent gets that chance or even that option so I will take any form of control and independence and normalcy that I can get. But man, nothing is more stressful, frustrating, and scary when it's 4+ hours into a nurses shift and I haven't even seen her once yet. And they wonder why I don't leave Everly's room often and when I do, it is for a very limited amount of time!
Today was the day we were planning to bring Everly home as a family and unfortunately that didn't happen. She had to do a "car seat test" because she was born before 37 weeks AND she is less than 2500 grams (5 1/2 pounds) so she automatically qualified to be required to pass the test before she could be discharged. Basically, she had to be buckled into her car seat for 90 minutes and sit in it without desaturating her oxygen levels at all... and because she is so little, she got so cozy and then scrunched down so she ended up being chin-to-chest. And well, obviously it's pretty hard to breathe when you're strapped into a car seat and are sitting chin-to-chest so her oxygen levels kept fluctuating too much and dipped too low. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement....it took all I had in me to not start bawling in front of the nurse when she was telling us we wouldn't be getting discharged and as soon as she left the room, uncontrollable sobs came over me. Now there is talk of us being able to go home on Monday with her on oxygen for 2-3 weeks which I am more than happy to do. The doctor says it is a developmental thing that she will outgrow with time as she gets closer to being "full-term" and closer to her due date. So it's a relief that it is nothing serious or permanent by any means...just a minor setback. Oxygen at home will be nothing as long as it means that we all get to be home as a family!
I have never missed home more than I have until these past two weeks. The first few nights here when Jordan would leave, I would find myself standing by Everly's isolete or crib, just staring at her and crying. Thankfully the tears aren't an every night ordeal now but having my family in two different places at night is incredibly hard. But Jordan is always quick to remind me that Everly is at one of the best NICU's in the nation and home is only 12 minutes away. So, like with many other things I've come to realize with being a NICU parent, I count my blessings considering the fact that home is less than 20 minutes away, Jordan and I are able to see each other still everyday, and I've gotten to see Paisley a few times here and there when I do leave the hospital. That doesn't make it any easier when I want to be in two different places at the same time but it sure as heck makes it more bearable. I will never forget those feelings and emotions that I was trying to process the day I got discharged from the hospital and when Jordan and I left Everly's room to make a trip home to regroup and get some things for me so I could come back because I knew I would be staying the night with her. The thought of us having a two-day hospital stay and leaving with a beautiful baby and balloons and celebrating were completely out the window.... I would never wish upon anyone the feelings and thoughts that we had when we were walking to the car without our baby and knowing that we were leaving her in the hospital by herself. Every time I leave the hospital without her, I get those feelings all over again... I can't wait until we both break free from this place together, as a family, and when she can come home with me and Jordan. We are excited to figure out our "new normal" as a family of four and I can't wait to close this chapter in our lives and her baby book and watch her accomplish many milestones in the future! Here's to hoping that we are all home together as a family and relaxing on the couch by Monday night!
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